Another Valentine's Day and even at my age - I still think of love...and what it is...what it could be...what it could have been...There are many kinds of love in our lives. As we grow they grow with us. I loved my new bike. My mom. The first snow of the year…But there is one love that most of us can never forget or really get over – that’s our first romantic love
Our eyes met in the school cafeteria line for the first time. And wow! There are thousands of words and songs about it – poets pondered it in sonnets. But when it happens for the first time – there are no words that explain it. But I believe you just know it. Indeed “Zing went the strings” of my innocent heart. I could feel myself blush. We got our food and she sat with her friends; me with mine. She laughed. I tried not to look. But I failed. For the whole lunch period I stared at my green plate of beige institutional food. It got cold and I tossed it. Somehow my appetite was replaced that day with that sweet taste of first love. The next morning the sky was actually bluer – nothing but blue skies did I see. The songs on the radio all meant more. I walked the hall hoping to see her again. And then there she was, opening her locker. Locker 214 – I still remember it all these years. She’s wearing a grey skirt, a blue oxford blouse and penny loafers with argyle knee socks. Gads I was madly in love! A loud voice in my mind repeated and repeated her name…KATHY.
After two days of smiles. I had the courage to say “hi”. The next day I walked her to her freshman math class. And I was late to my Latin II torture. I got a warning that lateness is not tolerated. And...So it goes. Walking leads to carrying her books to holding hands to yearning to touch and stay together as long as we can each day. We date. The movies on Friday night’s. We hold hands the whole show while Jerry and Dean carry on – but we both are not really watching – we are in our own movie. The Saturday dance at the YMCA. The quick kiss goodnight at her door knowing that her dad was probably listening on the other side. And our school days proceeded into months. The intervals between seeing each other felt so long. What to buy her for Christmas…picking the right Valentine…and then it’s summer and we say goodbye on the steps of our last school day - which until now was an occasion we both used to look forward to – but not now. We would be miles apart and only connected by telephone. I lay on the cool kitchen floor and talked to her for hours – I wonder what did we have to say ? But the words flowed – mostly silly words. We laughed and constantly tested our “love”. She goes away with her parents on vacation – when will she ever return? Did she meet someone at the shore? Moments of doubt creep into our conversations. Do you still like me? Would you like to date other people? Do you…would you…? All the games everyone plays when learning the steps of the dance of love. And then for no good reason – it ended. I went to college.
For some of us first love just ends as fast as it started. These first loves are fragile. A word can start unraveling it. But for some of my classmates this puppy love would last beyond school and mature to marriage, children, homes and lives well-lived or at least until the first divorce! I look back and still wonder, after all these years, why did my first love end? I guess it was my yearning to test what lay beyond the borders of my small town – to taste a bigger world.
Did I gain that much? I will never know – but I do now know that it was paid for with my innocence that left me saying goodbye to one of my best friends - ever.
First love...she made my heart sing...and honestly, when I think of her...she still does!
